


Digging Up Bones

by oneroughdraftaway



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: A few years after deh, Connor’s still dead, Mourning, Nostalgia, Old memories, Sibling Love, suicide mentioned, zoe cleans her closet and it’s surpisingly not gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-16 17:14:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14815484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneroughdraftaway/pseuds/oneroughdraftaway
Summary: Just when Zoe thinks they're healed enough to move on Connor shows up. Maybe suicide isn't something you can move on from.-Zoe digs up old memories three years later.





	Digging Up Bones

Zoe's room was a mess. When she was younger, she didn't try to keep it clean. She just shoved everything into the closet (and boy how ironic was that). She'd been dreading cleaning it up but since she was a freshman in college it was inevitable. She started looking at places to move and, well, someone had to clean that damn closet. And her mom couldn't handle digging up all that nostalgia. She'd had too much of that over the last three years. Just when Zoe thinks they're healed enough to move on Connor shows up. Maybe suicide isn't something you can move on from.

And what a perfect time it was, too. She's been so anxious after her band audition. Yeah she was great back in high school, but this is college and everyone was better than her. So cleaning was a good way to take her mind of the audition.

She played an episode of Fairytale mindlessly in the background. She caught a few plot points but her focus was on the nicknacks of her childhood. At first she thought it might be too rough but she only found clothes and old toys. Some she remembers vividly and others she may as well have seen for the first time.

"Alright," she mumbles to her room. "God, this is gonna be fun to throw away." She plans to leave it outside and get rid of it tomorrow. Maybe she'd get lucky and her dad would take it to the curb for her.

As she continues to search, shes kind of disappointed. She wanted to find something spectacular. Something that'd give her good memories, maybe make her smile. All she got was old jeans that smelled like cat piss. Gross.

She smiles at some objects before putting them in the trash pile. There's ribbons from when she did horse shows, old dolls, and birthday cards. She laughs at the good memories from all of them. But that's not what she's looking for.

God, when did this become a treasure hunt?

Oh no, Zoe, bad wording, bad wording! Her mind immediately shoots to her and Connor playing pirates in the backyard. Their mom tricked them into playing it while they cleaned the house to make it so exciting. God, Zoe loved her mom. She was so creative and smart.

But of course there were never just good memories.

"Connor! Let's play pirates!"  
"Okay."   
Connor waits a second.   
"There. We played it. It's over."   
That's when Connor became "too old" to have fun with his little sister.

Zoe repressed it like she did with everything else. Stupid, Connor. She knew she shouldn't speak ill of the dead but he was kind of a jackass.

None of the cards were from him. He signed his name on their parents card when he forget to get a present.

Whatever.

She moved on.

A few boxes later she reached journals from first grade. She flipped through them, smiling at the adorably shitting grammar and drawings. She took pictures of all of them, putting them on her Instagram story. Maybe that was a bad idea...

Really, all her entrees were talking about how "this weekend I had fun. I played. I watched tv." But some of them were cute. She'd written something surprisingly nice about her mom which she sent to her.

Throughout it, Zoe was hoping that she'd mentioned Connor. She remembered little from her childhood and she wanted to get a clear view.

Looks like she'd have to keep digging.

She was too exhausted to motivate herself further. Seriously, it wasn't worth cleaning up the mess.

She huffs at the pile behind her. Shit. She's actually gonna have to clean that up? Boring.

Zoe decided to gives herself a soft-of-break and look through pile the old journals again. There's other journal underneath it but those ones just aren't as appealing.

Until she spots it.

There's some type of drawing. There's only one person in the family who's ever drawn. At the same time, Zoe is horrified and desperate to see this picture. Whatever it is...it's going to be huge. And it's going to change everything. Maybe not everything but it'll definitely ruin her evening.

She pulls it out anyway, eyes closed.

Zoe hears an "awe," from her mother's room. Zoe knew sending the text would win a hug from her mom. She knew Cynthia would really appreciate it but that wasn't her focus now.

Zoe takes a deep breath and opens them.

The memory slaps her in the face the second she sees it.

She can't breath and all the sudden she's sobbing. And it's not a big deal. It's completely fucking stupid that she's crying over this. Wasn't she supposed to be fine? Would this ever stop hurting? It was just as sharp and twisted as ever.

"Zoe, where did you find-" Cynthia pushes open the door, smiling at her phone.

Zoe tries to swallow her tears but that chokes her. Now she's making hysteric gasping whale sobs. Great.

Zoe hated crying in front of everyone even after the past three years. She hated feeling vulnerable and weak and pathetic.

But thank god it was her mom that found her because she didn't hesitate to get to the ground. Zoe threw herself into her mom's arms, sobbing into her shoulder.

She needs to explain. She needs to get over these stupid fucking tears and these stupid fucking memories.

Finally, she's strong enough to show her the picture and Cynthia's face is drawn with sympathy and pain.

"Dear Zoe," she reads aloud. Zoe thinks she might burst. She holds her hand in front of her mouth, trying to slow her breathing.

Cynthia chokes a bit before reading. She knows. Shes never seen this note but she can recognize that messy handwriting.

"I'm sorry for pushing you and yelling at you the other day. That was stupid of me, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, sometimes I get really mad and hurt things. I hope your arms feels better soon. Your my favorite sister. I love you. Please forgive me."

Oh yeah. Oh fucking yeah, those words held such a new weight.

"When....when did he write this?" Cynthia was choking up, trying to stay strong. They're both failing.

"We were kids and he broke my arm. That time at the Apple place? He got mad and pushed me out of a tree. You don't remember?"

"I've never seen this."

Zoe laughs, remembering the day she got it. She'd just gotten back from the hospital, totally hating her new cast. She was crying in her room and of course Connor slipped the paper under her door. She was mad he couldn't give it to her in person or actually tell her.

"He did this on his own?" Cynthia asks.

Time is irrelevant as they hold each other and sob because fucking Connor. Fucking Connor who was gone. Connor who Zoe would never see, hear, or feel again. Connor who'd never see her play music again. Fuck, even when he was alive he'd hate going to her concerts. 

Zoe hated herself for allowing her thoughts to corrupt this.

He wrote it to get himself out of trouble.   
He didn't mean it.   
He never loved you.

And yeah all of those things were true. They didn't love each other. Zoe wasn't sure if she loved him now.

But fuck if she didn't miss him. Well, more the idea of him. She missed to kid who'd play pretend with her. Who wrote stupid, tear stained apologies to her. Who could've gotten better if he hadn't killed himself.

Zoe doesn't know how, but she needs to keep the paper safe, as if it's sacred. It fucking is, though, it's her fucking brother. The last thing she ever got from him so yes she was going to be stupidly emotional and cry over it.

She didn't think that off would ever end.

God, Connor had wanted to be remembered. He got his wish because Zoe was certain he'd always be a part of her in memory and trauma regardless. She carried him like a necklace or some stupid tattoo.

There'd never be an end.

**Author's Note:**

> So the beginning was good. The end was so fucking shitty I’m sorry. Is this bad? I like this but I feel like it’s bad. I didn’t edit it so can I really complain?


End file.
